Dan Campbell and Masculinity

What can a head football coach teach us about masculinity and our young men?

When Dan Campbell first arrived in Detroit, we didn’t quite know what to make of him. We’d never heard a coach express such raw emotion when talking about his players getting knocked down and then getting up again, biting their opponents’ kneecaps, on their way back up. Football talk, yes. But the message in the delivery was electrifying. We are here to do whatever it takes. We are a team that cannot be stopped!

The speeches he gives in the locker rooms after games are equally unique. As he hands out the game balls, the passion for his guys literally explodes. He praises effort, resilience and accomplishments. But listen closely. Listen carefully. He is telling everyone how much he loves them. As players. As people. He sees them. He affirms them. He creates space for them to love each other. The players respond with love back. For their team, for each other,  for him. This is Lions culture: an amalgamation of aggression and love and respect. 

His actions speak the same. Being there for one another, embracing mistakes (see Jameson Williams) and nurturing the players development, just as much as talking about hitting hard, dominating on the field and playing with imagination.

It would be helpful to examine his messages as we consider what masculinity is. Campbell has created an environment of safety, where emotional connection and aggression coexist. This is a safe space where players can engage in physical and emotionally charged exchanges without being judged. I hope you saw the deeply emotional exchange between Amik Robertson and his teammates when he was awarded the game ball. Without words it expressed vulnerability, vindication, acceptance, triumph and love.   

The Lions can teach us all lessons about masculinity in our worlds. Boys are typically taught from an early age to suppress their emotions. Boys are taught how to be “big” boys. It can be anything from not crying to not being scared to not speaking about things that would frighten them. Emotions are seen as weakness. Asking for help is being a sissy. Therefore, dependency on someone else is to be denied or even shamed. In life, a boy is not supposed to need people to help them with anything emotional – not friends, teammates, coaches, or parents.  Nurturing emotionally, physically kissing and hugging our boys are avoided. Boys act bravely, take excessive risks, and treat others badly, because people they need have stopped listening and hearing. Stoic and unfeeling.

Needing to be seen emotionally and to be taken care of gets connected with something feminine. Gets labeled as gay, or being a sissy. Boys are forced to push all of their vulnerabilities under the surface. To cover emotions, they often hide themselves beneath paradoxical, aggressive behavior. We excuse some of this as “boys will be boys”. Within this perspective, emotional detachment and independence in the context of being openly aggressive often emerge.

After raising two sons and sitting with countless male patients, pro athletes, and successful men, I’ve come to realize that a boy has incredibly more complex needs. A boy must be seen. His emotions need to be not only accepted, but the expression of them must be warmly welcomed. Must be embraced. A boy who learns how to express painful and difficult emotions does so out of strength. We can teach our boys that it takes extra male strength to actually be vulnerable. To actually need other people and ask for help. To actually express their emotional life. We can help them build their emotional muscularity just as much as they want to build their physical bodies.

So, where do we start?  A father can only nurture this strength if he is able to embrace and acknowledge his own emotional needs first. As a dad, we need to break away from the traditional molds that we were brought up in and embrace a new concept of what I call “complete masculinity”. One that involves traditional values of protection, being a provider, and achieving excellence, but also having the courage and strength to embrace and to develop emotional awareness and vulnerability. Then, we can raise our sons by example. Then, we can be a father and a role model.  We can love our sons when they are vulnerable. We can talk to them about the strength it takes to be emotional and to need others, as well as to give to others. And yet, we can also stand for striving for excellence and even, if called upon, to bite a few kneecaps along the way after we get knocked down.

The rigid definitions that fathers have of their role in the family can lead to rigid masculinity in their sons. We can take the fierceness of play along with the ferocity of loving teamwork into our homes with our boys. This is not a retreat, but an expansion of what it means to be a young man.