“My Son is Stuck.” Now What?
Increasingly, parents bring their sons to my office, claiming that they feel their children are “stuck.” They often ask me two questions: “What can I do to help?” and “How did they end up this way?” In this blog, I will focus on the first question and provide pragmatic, actionable steps.
Parents are almost always loving and well-meaning. You have done your best by bringing your son in for help, which is a success, not a failure. It’s important to start with that understanding.
As parents, we are all human and, by nature, we make mistakes—many mistakes—over the course of our children’s lives. (I will focus on sons for the purpose of this topic.) Most of these mistakes are not made with intent or malice. In fact, many occur unconsciously. We all carry personal stressors: work pressures, marital struggles, losses, and especially past traumas that we may not have fully acknowledged or understood. Multigenerational trauma often gets passed down through parenting. Nevertheless, here are some guidelines to help you begin when you feel hopeless and are at the end of your rope.
1. Every parent experiences guilt and shame when their children don’t thrive. Often, parents compare their kids to others, especially those who have achieved significant success. They may find it easy to blame themselves or to attribute some faults to their spouse. It’s important to remember that there are no clear answers—only lessons to be learned. Approach the situation with compassionate inquiry, meaning be persistent in examining yourself while also showing kindness to yourself.
2. Start deep and meaningful conversations with your spouse. Take responsibility for the current situation and be open to hearing your spouse’s thoughts on your parenting approach first. This can help prevent defensive reactions when you later discuss your spouse’s potential contributions to the situation. Remember, you are a team, whether you are together or separated. It is crucial to pause, reflect, and listen without immediately reacting. This communication should not be viewed as a one-off discussion but rather as the beginning of an ongoing effort to support your child.
3. Understand that the power dynamics within the family have changed. Your child may seem to be controlling the family dynamic by withdrawing from their responsibilities while still relying on you for support. This state of being stuck can frustrate parents, leading to feelings of disappointment and anger, as they feel held hostage by their child’s situation.
4. Keep in mind that, although you may be dealing with a young adult in their twenties, you are essentially interacting with someone who has the emotional maturity of approximately a twelve-year-old. Adjust your mindset accordingly.
5. Re-establish Rules and Expectations for Your Son with Consequences for Non-compliance. To help your son succeed, establish clear rules and apply them consistently every day. Here are the rules that should be implemented immediately:
i. Personal Responsibility: No more sleeping in.
ii. Wake-Up Time: Set a specific time for him to wake up each day and encourage him to start his morning with a walk outside. This habit mimics what he would do if he had a job and is important for maintaining structure at home.
iii. Contributing to the Household: If he is living in your house, he needs to contribute. This includes completing daily household chores, making his own meals, doing his own laundry, and cleaning up after himself.
iv. Finding Employment: He needs to find a job today, even if it’s part-time. It’s important for him to start contributing financially as soon as possible.
v. No THC: The rise of high-THC marijuana products poses serious risks. Smoking or vaping introduces harmful substances into his brain, disrupts motivation and memory systems, and can lead to serious mental health issues such as psychosis, mania, and depression.
vi. Limit Screen Time: Even if screens have always been a part of his life, it’s time to set limits. Excessive screen use is changing brain chemistry and wiring, leading to emotional and cognitive issues. If he cannot manage phone use responsibly, it is acceptable to take away screen privileges during certain times. Since you are providing support, you have the right to set these rules.
vii. Insist on Therapy: Psychotherapy is essential. A qualified therapist will guide both your son and you in developing a support plan for home while he addresses his challenges in therapy. It’s crucial to implement these measures at home to foster his success.
It’s important to recognize that if your son is not feeling some discomfort, he may lack motivation to participate in therapy. Be prepared for pushback, such as tantrums, refusal to comply, or provocation. As you create these discomforts, you may see increased expressions of frustration. Avoid offering comfort or sympathy during these moments, as it may enable self-destructive behavior. Instead, stay committed to your plan and calmly uphold your expectations and the associated consequences. While he may not feel strong now, your belief in his abilities can help him rebuild his confidence over time.
Do not engage with provocations. He may try to draw you into arguments or dramatic situations. Stay calm, do not react, and remain focused on your plan.
Addressing this situation is significant, requiring a unified effort to implement these changes. It can be done. We’re here for you.
Michael J. Miletic, M.D.