I started noticing a troubling trend a few years ago: Young men who were once healthy and on the right track, began to “get stuck.”
This issue originally appeared among young men in their early 20s, frequently brought in for evaluations by their mothers, though fathers participated to a lesser extent. Many of these young men lived in their parents’ basements, often emerging only for meals. They isolated themselves in their rooms, seemingly glued to their computers. Some appeared addicted to porn sites; others played video games for eight hours a day or were obsessed with creating online music careers.
The common thread among them was social isolation. They no longer met friends face-to-face, nor did they actively seek friendships. Dating had fallen by the wayside, and many showed little interest in sexual relationships.
Often, these young men had been taken to therapists and psychiatrists by their parents. While some were diagnosed with depression, many did not return for follow-up therapy, retreating back into their basement bedrooms instead.
During our interviews, I perceived a sense of existential deadness in them—not quite depression, but a lack of energy, motivation, ambition, and zest for life. Many admitted to using marijuana daily, with some having been hospitalized for “weed-induced psychosis.” In their search for more powerful substances to numb themselves, many turned to concentrates, using products with up to 90% THC throughout the day. This is significant when considering that when marijuana was first smoked in joints, the average THC content was around 15%.
Some of these young men were still in high school; others had dropped out of college with no plans for the future. A number had simply stopped working after COVID relief checks ended. Despite their parents’ efforts—who described them as “good kids” whose lives had come to a halt—the parents felt a mixture of fear and resentment, as they continued to support their sons financially at a time when they should have been launching into adulthood. The situation left many parents at their wits’ end.
What these young men had in common was an inability to understand themselves. They lacked motivation without knowing why. While they occasionally engaged in activities such as taking classes or doing DoorDash for a few hours a week, they seemed like lost souls.
This underscores a critical moment in which many young men feel their struggles are dismissed. They often feel disconnected from the world and experience a powerful need for validation, yet they’re met with messages like “men are trash” from various online sources.
As I began to work with them, several truths emerged. These young men are isolated from the world and have lost their attachments to their parents, except in a dependent manner. Friendships have dissipated, and their attachment to themselves seems to have vanished. In its place, they have resorted to anesthetizing themselves through constant scrolling, gaming, porn, and weed.
As I continued my work, it became evident that these young men had lost hope, purpose, and any sense of identity that aligns with being a man. Consequently, two of them have drifted into the toxic environment of the “Manosphere.”
This realm includes figures like Andrew Tate, who offer a superficial roadmap of “being a man” defined by wealth, flashy possessions, and the conquest of women. They blame women for their circumstances and are drawn to podcasters like Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson, who dispense advice in an authoritative tone, emphasizing concepts like “stand up straight,” “delay gratification,” and “make your bed.” While these messages can carry some merit, they’re often steeped in an intense authority that resonates with young men searching for guidance. Others in this sphere promote bodybuilders and UFC fighters, perpetuating the myth that masculinity is synonymous with physical strength and power.
It is clear to me that we are failing our young men. The far-right vision they encounter substitutes for the guidance they should be receiving from their fathers and mothers at home.
While girls have surpassed boys in educational attainment, and job opportunities are becoming more challenging to secure, defining masculinity in opposition to women—specifically in reaction to the gains of feminism—provides a misguided roadmap.
In addition to addressing societal difficulties, we must better educate parents and young men on what constitutes a genuine definition of masculinity, how to cultivate that in our sons, and the roadmap for achieving it.